Unplugged in PE on a Thursday Morning

“Merciful heavens! The sun is broken!”

This is what I woke up to this morning— Selby screaming at the weather. She’s a burley woman with a beard thicker than mine. She hangs a black wrench from her belt and chews press-stick instead of bubblegum.

“What are you talking about? The sun isn’t broken. It’s probably just load shedding. Doing its bit for Eskom, or Koeboerg, you know?” I told her, rubbing sleep out my eyes as she walked through the front door.

“No, the sun is finished. It’s needed a service for years! Scientists have been wasting their time and OUR money by sending monkeys into space. A mechanic should be up there!” she wailed, waving her wrench around. She put the kettle on and threw a slice in the toaster.

“Ok, ok, the sun is broken. But so is our pool. It’s green, like blended frogs legs. When are you going to fix that? People in the complex have been asking about it” I said to her.

“No need! You can’t swim in this weather. Besides, we have bigger fish to fry— the planet’s source of light is in jeopardy! Honestly, when did you get so selfish?” answered Selby. She was sipping stale milk from my fridge when I heard more commotion outside.

Reilly Smith, the Welshman with two surnames instead of a first name, darted across the front lawn. He was knocking on people’s doors, asking if anyone had pink-eye medicine for his rattle snake, Satan. “He’ll die from this pandemic! It’s horrible! The poor dear is suffering!” said Reilly, smothering his tears into a blue hanky. I gave him a tin of Zambuk and said to rub on Satan’s tail three times a day. “Zambuk is an age old recipe. It fixes everything. Even pure evil,” I said, chuckling a bit.
“Bless you, Bless you and a thousand times more, Bless you!” said Reilly, clapping his hands.

Maxi disturbed my morning coffee afterwards, nudging a copy of Ryk Neetlings biography at my feet. “Maxi!” I snarled, “I’m not reading this garbage to you. It’s about a rich white guy that swims. End of story. Go find another book!” Maxi was less than impressed with my outburst. He went back up to my room and pee’d on my wetsuit, just to let me know who was in charge.

Yip, it’s only 9:15 and things are already getting weird. There must be something in the weather making PE folks go batty. I’ve decided to go back to bed and try waking up again. Enjoy your sanity while it lasts :)