The '72 Second Hows It Broe' Conversation

Everyone tends to know everyone in PE. It's a small city, where only a handful of bars and restaurants survive at the top end (Toby Joes is something of a Cinderella story in town). And I mention bars and restaurants, because after you've been to the movies, had a go on the roller coaster at Playland, driven the go-carts next to the Gravy Train and walked through Art-In - The-Park, there isn't much else to do for consumer entertainment. So it’s where most hip, well to do people hang out. Now, with limited space, people and public facilities to work around, it's hard not to bump into someone you recognise.

In the interest of avoiding strained and awkward conversations with people you know, but don't necessarily like talking to, the 72-second ‘Hows it Broe’ conversation was born. The 72 second Hows It Broe is a white flag of sorts; a tool that gives people amnesty from rudeness.

There are a few factors that increase or decrease the level of difficulty when executing a 72 second Hows It Broe. Like how well you know someone's extended family, when you last spoke, general social politics (like if you have/ are dating this particular person’s ex, cousin or sister), your current state of mind and the amount of common interest you share (like sport and recreation).

Let's start with an example of a sober conversation between Leroy (a twenty three year old sales rep) and Vernon (a twenty one year old student/ bar tender). Leroy finished high school two years before Vernon and they lived in the same suburb as children. Leroy dated Vernon's cousin, Kate, for three months. Sadly, Kate dumped Leroy after a few short weeks. Days afterwards she began dating Solly Rogers, a guy Leroy hates for no sound reason. But this was all back in high school. Leroy is at a local pub with one Hansas under the belt, Vernon has just walked in (to meet a different group of friends). Leroy is sitting near the entrance, so Vernon can not walk passed without saying hi. Theoretically he could walk right passed and say nothing, but that would be rude, right?


Leroy: Hey, Vernon! Hows it Broe?
Vernon: Leroy, jeez man!
(They do a manly handshake. Leroy strategically turns to face Vernon, so that he won't have to introduce him to his associates)

Leroy: Jusos man, long time. What you up to these days?

Vernon: Ah, not much hey, still studying. You?

Leroy: Same old hey… Just work and so on. How's Kate?

Vernon: She's well. Busy in London. Working at a call center. How's your boet?

Leroy: Gosh I wondered why I hadn't seen her in so long.
He's cool. Still working hard.

Vernon: Jussie man, how's Province going down like that to Natal?

Leroy: Ah, don't get me started. In no time at all we're not even going to be allowed
to play at a provincial level.

Vernon: Ja, its complete bollocks.
(A momentary silence ensues. They both nod, as if to process the updates they've given one another)
Vernon: So, I'm meeting some people down there.
(Vernon points to a table of guys that are waving back smugly)

Leroy: Ja, no worries hey, don't let me keep you. We'll chat later.

Vernon: good to see you man.

Leroy: Ja, you too. See you soon pal.

Vernon: Cheers.

Leroy: Cheers.

(The part ways with the same handshake)

This is a superb example of the 72 Second Hows it Broe executed tactically. They managed to cover all the essentials: personal well being, family, common interests and work. All in all, I give them both eight out of ten. A noteworthy element of the 72 Second Hows it Broe is timing. I can't stress this enough. Had the conversation taken place several beers later, the conversation could have looked like this:

Leroy: Whoooohooooo! Hows It Broe! What's crappening bugger!
(Leroy hugs Vernon tightly)

Vernon: Ahoy! Whooohoo! Nothing much! You?

Leroy: Jussie, life is just peaches and cream all the way. Work is as much fun as a disco
In Patensie and my boss keeps accusing me of stealing toilet paper rolls. What
you been up to?

Vernon: Ah, just the usual, you know? Time travel, Lego and play dough. The usual.

Leroy: Jussie man! Tell me about it. Oh my socks, how's Kate?

Vernon: I dunno hey? She's in London now. We chat on facebook and that once in a
while..

Leroy: Jeez man, I can't believe she dumped me for Solly Rogers! You remember that
moron? What was his deal? Proper chop, that ou. You know Kate was my first?

Vernon: Jussie bru! I don't wanna hear that stuff. She's family!

Leroy: Ja, but I'm just saying, you know? Why did she dump me?
I mean I really digged her, and that ou just rubbed
It all in my face.

Vernon: No man, cut it out. I don’t mind him.

Leroy: You lucky you don't know him. He's irritating and rude!

Vernon: Jeez, Leroy, what's your deal tonight?

Leroy: I dunno man, I think I'm lonely and still heartbroken.
(Vernon looks away and checks his watch)

Vernon: I must find my friends. I'm supposed to be giving
someone a lift in a bit.

Leroy: Kay Cheers.

Vernon: Cheers man, see you soon.

(Leroy lunges for another hug, but Vernon seemed a bit too annoyed for that now. He shrigs him off and walks away.)

In this second example, the ‘72 Second Hows It Broe’ has been obliterated. My first criticism points to the length of the conversation. It’s got to be just over a minute. No more. They spoke for almost 3. Also, neither person seemed interested in what the other had to say—you’ve got to work as a team to get it over with quickly.
Leroy will feel like an idiot for talking about Kate so explicitly (and for getting blocked when he went for hug number 2), and Vernon will feel stupid for being harsh. With more alcohol, higher emotional content and aggressive personalities involved, 72 Second Hows It Broes have been known to culminate in fistfights. So it's important to assess your situation and to take into account all the variables, as each conversation is special in its own way.

The details of these conversations are often seen on facebook, which is good for anyone seeking feedback. You can log on to find out what’s happening in town at any time of the day or night. Citizens of Port Elizabeth are the most prolific and shameless facebook profile updaters on planet earth. The personal details astound me— e.g. ‘Leroy Peters is missing his baby shoes! Come Back Darling! MWA MWA’. Stuff like that is par for the course. Guys and girls like my imaginary friend, Leroy, only need to ask themselves one serious question about facebook updates: Who gives a rotten hoollie?

. And that, folks, is the 72- second Hows It Broe conversation of Port Elizabeth.