Sam 'Big Bucks' Mazambulo

Sam ‘Big Bucks’ Mazambulo read my palms yesterday. She told me not to make a funny face when the wind changes direction. “Stay the course, child of light. I sense indecision in your aura. You don’t want to end up cross eyed when the wind turns westerly.”

“You’re crazy, Big Bucks,” I said, “I don’t know why I asked you to be my psychic. Let’s play monopoly. The tide will be high in an hour, so there’s time for a quick round.”

‘Big Bucks’ is horrible at board games, but she speaks the truth. I’m as indecisive as anyone can possibly be about everything. I met her in the parking lot at Greenacres when I was 20. A group of abortion protestors didn’t take kindly to the open discussion I suggested. The crowd turned on me as soon as I mentioned ‘pro choice’ as a debatable point. It was weird. A great big mob of people, wielding signs that said ‘Killing Babies Is Wrong’, running after a little pip squeak like me. “I’ll rip your voice box out, heathen scum!” screamed the lady in charge.

That was when Sam Mazambulo joined the party. She was PE’s first car guard. She taught herself Taekwando, Ninjutusu and kick boxing by reading a variety of books, mostly penned by her hero, the great Billy Blanks— mainstream advocate of the ‘One Inch Punch’. Anyhow, this is a bit off the topic. ‘Big Bucks’ came to my rescue and issued a series of One Inch Punches to the heavy weight that had me in a choke hold. The man dropped like a bag of soil, uninjured, but in a great deal of physical pain.

Afterwards she explained to the mob why she was forced to use a pinch of violence, and that she was sorry things ended that way. She helped most of them to their cars and made R600 in tips in the process— Hence the name ‘Big Bucks’. Meanwhile, I was still on the pavement, bent in half and puking up chunks of breakfast. We’ve been pals since.

Today Big Bucks makes more than most senior lawyers in Johannesburg. Palm reading, Gymkhana and long distance hop scotch (all of which she excels at) are some of her more recent endeavors she does for pleasure. Kicking ass and making friends is still her full time job, though.

Anyhow, back to yesterday’s palm reading and monopoly show down. I was building hotels in Eloff Street before Sam could say Macaroni. The hours passed quickly, and before I knew it I was late for my afternoon appointment with the sandbanks at Fence.
“Big Bucks, I’ve got to vuma lapa broe, waves are coming,” I said, pointing at the sea.
“Ah, always doing two things at once. You’re not going to get to the beach and realize there’s a TV program you’re missing?”
“Never! TV rots your mind!” I snapped.
“That’s not the point,” said Big Bucks, smiling at walking me out.

I had a strange surf yesterday; it felt like I had two right legs. Sam Mazambulo always makes a point and keeps you thinking days later. She gives the advice people need. Oprah and Dr. Phill can’t offer you that sort of wisdom.

Anyhow, be mindful of car guards today. Sam Mazambulo has eyes on the back of her head and will keep your belongings safe. You’ll find her at the Fence parking lot, this afternoon when the tide is high, and she doesn't ask for much. Just a few bucks is all you need to remember.

***
If anyone is looking to kill time at work, the Hang Loose Pro is on in Brazil, at a place called Fernando de Noronha. The web site is all in Portuguese, so it’s a bit tricky navigating your way round, but it’s a contest well worth watching.

http://www.hangloose.com.br/noronha/pt/index.php?p=aovivo