Considerate Criminals

Keeping fit has been a hassle of late. The waves have been horrendous. It’s been too small to surf. End of story.

And my tennis form is up the creek. It felt like I was playing with racket made of lead the other day. Everything I touched went over the fence, under the net or backwards. You know you’re having a shocker when people cheer you on for returning service properly— “Nice shot Clay!” for getting one over really means, “It’s about bloody time!”

And I won’t to go to a public gym. It crosses too many personal boundaries. I like to think I’m above the quest for arms that can strangle a rhino.

So this evening I decided to jog. It’s healthy, free and strenuous enough to make me feel like I’ve earned a few beers later.

As I cruised along the hills of upper Humewood, admiring the lovely houses, a message became very clear: Trespassers will be annihilated. Every street was armed by a plethora of artillery. If it wasn’t vicious dogs, it was electrically charged- barbed wire fencing, armed response teams or front gates like the walls of Babel. Holy snakes, the whole neighborhood is a booby trap.

And all this got me thinking. What if we made burglarizing houses an Olympic sport? Seriously.
There are many parallels to old Roman gladiators— battling bullmastiffs could be like fighting lions. Armed response teams, like fighting Roman soldiers. I could go on. And think of the team we’d have! In South Africa, we still have one of the most alarming crime statistics, despite the level of protection available. We must be harboring some of the planet’s most capable athletes.

Look, we don’t want a repeat of Beijing in 07. I’m looking out for everyone’s best interest here. The world is changing, and we must change with it. So why not create a space for our fellow wayward citizens to use their great skills. Breaking into any of those houses is beyond the reach of average human hands. It could be like Million Dollar Baby, or any one of those uplifting movies about a skom gat los kop who is taken under the wing of organized society? Just think about it. That’s all I’m saying.

Eish, I sure do hope the waves get better, so I can start writing more constructive blogs. Peace.