The Poison Dwarf and Rat Face

The first time I saw them was during a trip to Gold Reef City, 8 years ago or so. The queue for the boat ride (the one that swings like a pendulum and hangs upside down for a few seconds) was crowded. ‘25 Minutes To Front‘, said a small cardboard sign at the back. I was determined though. The bumper cars and tea cups weren’t cutting it. I needed adrenalin.

There was a tense vibe amongst people waiting in the line. As each new crew got on the boat, the screams got louder and closer. The boat seemed to triple in size and height, too. Grown men got off the ride and sniveled into the arms of sympathetic wives. Teenagers wet their pants. One lady had to be carted off on a stretcher, having gone mildly psychotic from all the excitement. She started screaming the moment the ride moved, yelling at the controller to let her off. Several minutes later she was certified crazy. I stood in line with my eyeballs in my fists.

People spoke in hushed tones, trying not to expose their fear. I was near the front when someone belched louder than all the collective cries coming from the ride. It shook the ground like dreadful thunder and curdled the sweat on people’s faces. There was a moment when the whole park fell silent and looked around, trying to identify the perpetrator.

Poison Dwarf burst out laughing, claiming ownership of that ghastly noise. Her shrieks were awful; it was the laughter of bullies and snobs. “What are you looking at?” she asked, taking a bite of her pork burger, when someone pointed her out. The matter was quickly dropped. She was a muscularly package of napalm back then, with a voice to match a fire siren. She speaks two languages: english and snake. Her beady eyes followed you, even when standing beside her. Her posture always looked ready to attack.

It was finally time to board the boat soon after that.

“We were clip clopping along the wooden platform, waiting to be locked into our seats by someone in charge, when a voice called out to The Poison Dwarf from behind the ride’s barrier. “Go Honey, I love you shnookems!” He was a lanky individual in his late twenties. His eyes bulged and he twitched constantly. As cool and collected as The Poison Dwarf was, her lover exuded quite the opposite. He was jumpy like a provoked poodle. His most prominent feature was a set of front teeth that hung over his sharp jaw.
Poison Dwarf shot a glance at her dearest and smiled. Shoving her right palm into her left arm pit, she made a collection of farting sounds audible to all of Gold Reef City. He returned the gesture, much to the sour glares of all present.

I can hardly remember the ride itself. That awful woman’s yelling stung my skull and broke my will. I stumbled off to find my folks after that, wounded and nauseous. The last of The Poison Dwarf and her Rat Faced boyfriend that day was at bratwurst stand, where they were having tomato sauce and mustard fights with two security guards.
***

Since then and over the years I‘ve seen them everywhere. No jokes: At Spar, bumping people’s trolley’s over for the last loaf of white Sasco Sam. At the super tubes, taking pictures of one another going down the fast slide. At the beach front, doing wheels spins in the Pollock Beach car park. Even in Dubai last September. The Poison Dwarf was waving a bottle of water at Starbucks attendant, screaming, “one hundred Dierems! One blumun hundred Dierems’s for this blumun bottle of water? Are you smoking mandrax!” They stain my eyes with squid’s ink and give me an itch at the back of my throat.

I thought they might be a figment of my imagination until a few years back.
I was driving with a mate when they stole my parking at the boardwalk. I was thrilled to find a spot near the entrance when they zoomed in and swung their souped up uno in front of me. Out of nowhere. There was no doubt about it being them, too. She got the car quickly and pulled a nasty little fist at me, just in case I was thinking of taking the matter up with them.

“Jussie, what was that?” asked my associate.

“Just the most evil pair of scum bags on earth,” I answered, mildly glad about confirming my sanity.

***
So it came as no surprise to me when I saw them on the way to Cape Town yesterday.

We set off at first light and made the pass above Plett just as it was getting hot outside. We pulled over at the station in Riversdale towards noon, desperate for water and wees. I hung back at the car to inspect the roof racks and make sure the boards weren’t getting ready to fly away.
I was feeling satisfied with my handiwork, shaking the boards around to test their durability, when I heard a voice I’d never forget. “Hey, back wave surf dog!” shouted the Poison’s Dwarf’s boyfriend.

I was about to say, “get lost, Rat Face, I don’t like your kind,” when I noticed him waving the hand of a little girl at me. In the arms of Rat Face lay his and Poison Dwarf’s first born daughter. She looked like an infant WWE Wrestler, with buck teeth and a sharp chin. Instead of saying anything, I waved back and smiled at them. None of us really knew what to say after that.

That’s when I hear The Poison Dwarf shouting. “Jasper! Come here! We’re leaving now. Get our little girl away from that man- he’s the funny looking one we always see in PE!” In all these years, they hadn’t changed much, but it was very funny for me t know they’d always thought of me as the funny looking one.

With that, Jasper the Rat Face and his daughter snuffed their noses at me, turned and headed back to The Poison Dwarf, the matriarch of their wonderful new family.

So I’m not sure what to make of all this. I want to congratulate Rat Face and The Poison Dwarf on their new baby girl, wherever you are right now. Please try to be nicer to strangers in future.

***
I have some more industry news here. Ex- EP surfer, Jaco Kapp has just signed a new contract with Island Style this year. For those of you that don't know who Jaco is, he was the guy who could make Pipe look like it was cranking any day of the week. The man has a special gift for surfing small waves extremely well. That's not to take anything away from his performance in the solid stuff, too. He's an amazing all round surfer. Nice One, Jaco.